For the last few months a vice for me has been nothing more than coffee and sweets, specifically Starbucks. I typically get my favorite: Brown Sugar Oatmilk Shaken Espresso and a Lemon Loaf to the tune of 700+ calories. I have diligently been getting Starbucks each day that I work, which for me is Monday-Friday. Watching the points rack up, I start to get excited, thanks to extra points for buying specific things, such as 70 points if I ordered a glazed donut or a specific coffee for the day. What’s not to like? I enjoy my coffee and the lemon loaf is divine. I pushed aside the stress of getting my daily treat because after all, I was working my butt off and it’s ok to get a reward. I take a deep breath and enter the Starbucks. So today was THE DAY that I would use all the points that I had accrued on my Starbucks app. I finally had 400 points to use and I have been eyeing the Halloween UFO cup at my local Starbies. Walking up to the counter, I get this thrill, the excitement of buying something technically for free right? Right?! I also feel this rush like I am doing something that I shouldn’t, which is spend more money. I get the cup and inspect it for any issues (I have had cups look great, but then are broken, which won’t do when I am turning in my points). The cup is perfect, this moment is perfect, cup in hand I am ready to check out. “That will be $1.05.” I eagerly pay the 1ish dollar requirement and start to feel regret. BUT I HAVE MY CUP THAT I DILIGENTLY BOUGHT SO HARD TO GET. This sentence screams in my head. Cup in the bag, I drive home, thinking of how much I actually had to spend to get the points. I pull into the drive and get out still feeling somewhat nauseous at how much money those points actually cost.

$173.66 worth.

I felt ill. I recalculated and came to the same conclusion, same amount.
What the fuck have I been doing with the rest of my finances, my life even? Has this purchase thrown me into a midlife financial crisis? AM I HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS? When has any purchase made me feel sick to my stomach? When did I start losing control? Have I ever exhibited control?

I look at the UFO cup, wishing that I could be beamed up to any reality instead of this one. This current one sucks balls right now, not gonna lie.

I deleted the app. But just deleting an app isn’t going to get me where I want to go, which is trying to figure out my life, finances included. Impulsivity included.

So, I decided to start a blog, which sounds like the thing that a worshipper of Starbucks would do. All hail BOSE, when one can afford. But this will be an accountability blog, something just for me to stay on some kind of path that I seem to have fallen off of time and time again. I am not financially literate, well obviously. I just want to write about my wins, my fails, and maybe this will help someone including myself.

Much emotional spending love,
Elle B.