Self awareness is a fickle thing. For one, you become more aware of what helps you cultivate a higher version of yourself. By elevating your self knowledge, you essentially are able to recognize standards that serve your internal compass. However, when I became more self aware, I also seemed to steep myself in shame.

When I started this journey of financial betterment, I thought that I realized the full weight of my money mistakes. Knowing and feeling are two different beasts, each with their own pulse on how things should go and how things should be. I knew that I was falling deeper in the pit of despair with finances, I could see it on my bank statements. I could see the sheer amount of things that I acquired, bulging closets full of clothes that I may have worn just once. What I hadn’t anticipated was the weight of shame.

Currently, I am wearing shame like a thick overcoat, too tight at the neck and too hot for comfort. And with shame, embarrassment is also rearing its ugly head. I feel frozen in time by my shame. I know I will have to move eventually into a post shame state, but I am finding it difficult to forgive myself for all the asinine things I have done. I feel like I have made so many mistakes with money, many of these were done when I was in a heightened emotional state. Co-signing loans for my loved ones (oh, you know who foot that bill), cash advances (there is a biblical record of my poor money mistakes that I swear is two inches thick in a folder at my local cash advance place), cashing “this is a loan” checks that came through the mail, you get the picture. I am glad to say that my last rendezvous with these horrible money mistakes were years ago, but I am feeling the effects now in real time.

I also have to earn back the trust of my partner, who is much better with finances than me and is powerless to stop me from digging a deeper hole. This shame feels too much to bear, but at the same time, I believe that sometimes we need shame to propel us in the right direction. Shame can be a useful tool to teach us where we are falling short of the actualization of ourselves, maybe even our higher selves.

But enough verbal self-flagellation for today. I didn’t realize how much I have to sit down and forgive myself in order to move forward. I hope that you all can forgive yourselves for any shortcomings that are blocking your path to transformation. As always, much emotional spending love,

Elle B.