I believe that there is a part of myself that either has to evolve or end for change to occur. I remember a time in my life where I kept choosing demise over divine. I buried my head in the sand and I thought that if I ignored the hard choices long enough, that somehow I could skate past it, forget about it, outrun it. Not everyone reading this will know what I am talking about.

There are some days in my life where there is a voice of demise. I listened to that voice today. I gave into it, voice as soothing as silk. I used my credit cards. I bought alcohol and drank both bottles. I don’t know why I value my suffering as something that has to happen before I can be happy. Self flagellation with using money that isn’t yours to buy things you truly do not need.

I know that I deserve to be the highest version of what I can be, but why do I repeat the same patterns, swim in the same madness that propels me into financial insecurity.

I can only believe that we have to fight that groove that is wrought in our brains, the groove that is hollowed out time after time when we choose the wrong choice, drink that extra drink, and spend money that we don’t have. Today, I lost the battle. I was too weak, my resolve too beat down. I tried to eliminate pain, but ended up creating more destruction. I was swept away in the deluge, the path that was so easily transversed.

There is no light without the dark, that is what I keep reminding myself. Shifting the perspective. But how many times do I allow myself the darkness, the endless race to the light? What is my light? What is my purpose? The rationale for all this self destruction? What is this trying to teach me? Am I able to be taught or am I going to keep repeating this time after time? Is this some sick awareness without the ability to change?

My words are slick with alcohol and it is beginning to dim my thoughts. I want to believe that I deserve enlightenment. I am just glad to believe that I deserve something more than the choices that I have chosen. These choices will not define a life that I believe has more better choices to choose.

-Elle Brown