Emotional Spending

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

October 29th, 2024

In my life, I have acquired a lot of stories. They are ever swirling in my mind when someone asks, “What’s your story?” Too many to tell honestly for a single sitting, I will have to settle on money stories for today. For context and a little back story, I grew up below the poverty level for most of my life until I was 21. We moved constantly, unable to keep up with rent for more than 6 months out of the year. Me and my family couch surfed at times (really nice way of saying we were homeless). I even remember being in an unfinished shack of a home that didn’t even have a finished bathroom and I had to heat my bathwater on the stove. Me and my family were trying to survive in the chaos that they themselves created. In this chaos, this is what I learned about money: spend it while you have it (scarcity mindset), don’t put your money in the bank because the bank will take it (overdraft policy/distrust in financial institutions), spend it on things that you love or bring great pleasure (indulgence), money was never discussed (money taboo), borrow money (severe over indulgence leading to the basics not being covered). My parents had a severe lack in financial knowledge and me and the rest of my family were not taught anything about the successes with money. I was never taught that money could be a leverage to decrease stress. I never knew that having enough money meant that you didn’t have to worry where your next meal was coming from or if you had clothes that fit for school. I thought that I learned these lessons with my first paycheck, but my parents were there when I cashed my first one. I snowballed into poor financial decisions and I seemed to carry along this money curse until here recently.

I had a major life event a few months back and the mirror was placed before me. I did not have funds to take care of something monumental. I was scrambling to figure out what I would do until thankfully a solution was realized and the chaos was calmed. But the stamp of stress lingered in my head and made my chest hurt. I realized that I carried the lineage of poor financial decisions from even my grandparents to now. I know now that I don’t have to keep putting my life and my potential on hold because I am not “good with money”. It is just a story that I am telling myself and stories can change with a flick of a pen or the typing of keys on a keyboard. I would like to foster the courage to step out of this boiling pot of a comfort zone and begin, both emotionally and financially. It’s time to write a new story, one where I stress less about finances and start to see the possibilities of what truly living means (honestly by living within my means). I hope you all have a wonderful Tuesday and as always, much emotional spending love,

Elle B.
Blinders

October 27th, 2024

There are times in my life where I ignore money chatter in my brain and replace it with another shiny thing. The shiny thing is a distraction, a delusion, easier to deal with than the obvious thing that I am not taking care of because it seems so overwhelming or I am so ashamed to admit that I don’t have that side of me on lock. Sometimes it is easier to believe the lie instead of looking the liar in the face, which you might as well put a mirror in front of you.

But today, I am tired of being ashamed. Shame thrives on secrecy, dark hidden things. I want to bring it out into the light. I want to spiral upward instead of downward into a deeper hole, a place that I now find myself in. It is not a hopeless situation. This is going to take time, effort, and a whole hell of a lot of willpower.

I have been avoiding these things: Setting up a payment plan for my ER visit (no insurance visit may I add). Getting current on my student loans. Setting up a payment plan for my other doctor bill (out of network). Setting up a budget for the month of November (where in the hell did October go?) and honestly decluttering my home (decluttering makes my mind less cluttered and only then can I make space for all the other things I need to take care of).

I am tired of slinging letters across my desk for them to remain unopened, essentially sticking my head in the sand. So, I will help myself and my mental health and get all these things set up in the next week. I will post my progress. Honestly, it is nice to have this blog because I feel like I am not alone here in my self made struggles. I hope that this can help someone besides myself and honestly if it only helps me, that is enough because I am truly worth it.

As always, much Emotional Spending love,

Elle B.
All Mirrors

October 25th, 2024

“All this trouble tryin’ to catch right up with me, I keep movin’ knowin’ some day that I will be, Standin’, facin’ all mirrors are erasin’.” All Mirrors, song by Angel Olsen

I stand in the bathroom and I start to look at the damage of my recent shopping trip to the local TJ Maxx. I felt that I seriously was lacking in the self care arena by evidence of my dry cuticles and overall feeling of stress. I went overboard, face masks, feet masks, Korean brand of skin care that I have never heard of before, but really was well liked by the online community, littered my bathroom along with all the other gazillion products that I thought would change my life. These products were bought in a flash, no thought of what it would truly cost me.

I am initially excited about my purchases, because I was giving in to the notion that I have been pushing myself to take care of all the things around me, but the most important thing: myself. But dread and guilt rear their ugly heads, “Why did you buy this, you will never use it,” my mind hissed at me, ever the critic. I waver feverishly between elation that I am giving myself permission for self care, but trepidation over the buying of more things and how it will affect my monthly budget. At first, I was at an impasse, locked in mortal coil with my own brain. But then, I had an idea.

What if all this back and forth was me putting the mirror on my current habits? I could either sulk and feel sorry for myself or I could use this as an opportunity to start the most massive self care routine known to MAN. I mean, why not? I have every product that I could use for centuries, so I better start figuring out to be less mortal and more vampiric or I could use the shit that I have and get to empty on every product. Since Nosferatu-ing myself is out of the question (and he really had a great nail routine), I am challenging myself to USE EVERYTHING.

I will post every time I use something up because I know that there must be other people out there that are just like me and need the encouragement to not buy something if you already have it. I am not talking about not buying yourself something that you don’t have to help your mental and self care. This is about shining a light on my current habits that are no longer serving the person I am and who I want to be. Which honestly, I want to be more present in my life and to be less impulsive. I also want to be less of a consumer and more intentional of what and how much I buy. Saving money is also a bonus.

So friends, new friends, and vampires, have a great Friday and as always, much emotional spending love,

Elle B.
The $1 Starbies Tumbler

October 23rd, 2024

For the last few months a vice for me has been nothing more than coffee and sweets, specifically Starbucks. I typically get my favorite: Brown Sugar Oatmilk Shaken Espresso and a Lemon Loaf to the tune of 700+ calories. I have diligently been getting Starbucks each day that I work, which for me is Monday-Friday. Watching the points rack up, I start to get excited, thanks to extra points for buying specific things, such as 70 points if I ordered a glazed donut or a specific coffee for the day. What’s not to like? I enjoy my coffee and the lemon loaf is divine. I pushed aside the stress of getting my daily treat because after all, I was working my butt off and it’s ok to get a reward. I take a deep breath and enter the Starbucks. So today was THE DAY that I would use all the points that I had accrued on my Starbucks app. I finally had 400 points to use and I have been eyeing the Halloween UFO cup at my local Starbies. Walking up to the counter, I get this thrill, the excitement of buying something technically for free right? Right?! I also feel this rush like I am doing something that I shouldn’t, which is spend more money. I get the cup and inspect it for any issues (I have had cups look great, but then are broken, which won’t do when I am turning in my points). The cup is perfect, this moment is perfect, cup in hand I am ready to check out. “That will be $1.05.” I eagerly pay the 1ish dollar requirement and start to feel regret. BUT I HAVE MY CUP THAT I DILIGENTLY BOUGHT SO HARD TO GET. This sentence screams in my head. Cup in the bag, I drive home, thinking of how much I actually had to spend to get the points. I pull into the drive and get out still feeling somewhat nauseous at how much money those points actually cost.

$173.66 worth.

I felt ill. I recalculated and came to the same conclusion, same amount.
What the fuck have I been doing with the rest of my finances, my life even? Has this purchase thrown me into a midlife financial crisis? AM I HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS? When has any purchase made me feel sick to my stomach? When did I start losing control? Have I ever exhibited control?

I look at the UFO cup, wishing that I could be beamed up to any reality instead of this one. This current one sucks balls right now, not gonna lie.

I deleted the app. But just deleting an app isn’t going to get me where I want to go, which is trying to figure out my life, finances included. Impulsivity included.

So, I decided to start a blog, which sounds like the thing that a worshipper of Starbucks would do. All hail BOSE, when one can afford. But this will be an accountability blog, something just for me to stay on some kind of path that I seem to have fallen off of time and time again. I am not financially literate, well obviously. I just want to write about my wins, my fails, and maybe this will help someone including myself.

Much emotional spending love,
Elle B.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Blinders

All Mirrors

The $1 Starbies Tumbler