Tag: life

High Lows

December 1st, 2025

There is something to be said of succeeding and starting over than never starting at all. It is just difficult when you have attained a certain level of financial health only to begin again at zero.

We succeeded on saving almost $9,000 because there was an urgent home project that we found ourselves steeped in. It had to be fixed. Our saving methods were ravenous. Every extra penny, every overtime check, even my bonuses went into this savings beast. We hit our mark, fixed our home, and then were left with the gaping hole where our savings used to be.

Back to black and beginning yet again is exhausting. I felt the depression creep up in my throat because we are now left exposed to life’s fickle nature. I am proud of our accomplishments, don’t get me wrong. But it is the starting over, slugging through the financial muck once again is leaving me in a state of exhaustion. I would like to say that I have a strong mental fortitude for times such as these, but there are days where it is hard to get out of bed and face the world, to hustle again and again.

Today, my bed won. The closing off of the world with thick blankets seduced me into a false sense of control. I know that I cannot sustain this disconnect from the world for more than a day because things have to be taken care of, the house needs cleaning, and I need a shower. I will pull myself through this again and again and again for as long as it takes to be financially and emotionally whole again. I believe that we are more capable than what we give ourselves credit for, more powerful than what we lead ourselves to believe.

Don’t forget to take care of yourselves friends, and believe in yourself

Love, Elle
Shifts

September 30th, 2025

I believe that there is a part of myself that either has to evolve or end for change to occur. I remember a time in my life where I kept choosing demise over divine. I buried my head in the sand and I thought that if I ignored the hard choices long enough, that somehow I could skate past it, forget about it, outrun it. Not everyone reading this will know what I am talking about.

There are some days in my life where there is a voice of demise. I listened to that voice today. I gave into it, voice as soothing as silk. I used my credit cards. I bought alcohol and drank both bottles. I don’t know why I value my suffering as something that has to happen before I can be happy. Self flagellation with using money that isn’t yours to buy things you truly do not need.

I know that I deserve to be the highest version of what I can be, but why do I repeat the same patterns, swim in the same madness that propels me into financial insecurity.

I can only believe that we have to fight that groove that is wrought in our brains, the groove that is hollowed out time after time when we choose the wrong choice, drink that extra drink, and spend money that we don’t have. Today, I lost the battle. I was too weak, my resolve too beat down. I tried to eliminate pain, but ended up creating more destruction. I was swept away in the deluge, the path that was so easily transversed.

There is no light without the dark, that is what I keep reminding myself. Shifting the perspective. But how many times do I allow myself the darkness, the endless race to the light? What is my light? What is my purpose? The rationale for all this self destruction? What is this trying to teach me? Am I able to be taught or am I going to keep repeating this time after time? Is this some sick awareness without the ability to change?

My words are slick with alcohol and it is beginning to dim my thoughts. I want to believe that I deserve enlightenment. I am just glad to believe that I deserve something more than the choices that I have chosen. These choices will not define a life that I believe has more better choices to choose.

-Elle Brown
Aching

June 29th, 2025

As I write this, I am overwhelmed with the notion that I am nearly 40 and I have no savings at all. Zip, nada, none. I remember seeing the Pinterest posts that show what you should have achieved by a certain age, such as, have a fully funded emergency fund by age 30, house paid off by 40, and retire by 50. All of the milestones that I should have already hit by Pinterest’s standards are now sitting on my chest. Yes, I am aware that everyone’s financial journey is different, but why do I still feel behind?

My aching chest almost cannot handle the financial pressure. The stress has emerged in several ways such as exhaustion which affects my job. Boredom, because we are trying to save or give a home to every dollar, has started to creep in and we spend our weekends like ghosts staring at the walls of a house that desperately needs repair. Oh, that is also on the list. So we sit in the house, walk our pets, and do the same thing over and over again that it almost feels like Groundhog Day. Where is Bill Murray to provide some humor in all of this sameness?

I know there are people out there that feel like this. I also know that walking is free and helpful, libraries are free, vision boards are great and free and all the other free things we can do. Learning to change is hard when you have been a certain way for quite some time. Unlearning all the things that have brought you to demise is like trying to remove a cozy coat that kept you warm or being pushed out of an airplane without being taught how to pull the ripcord, panic setting in and praying you learn it before hitting rock bottom.

I just don’t know how to be here, in the present. I know how to be there and there and behind and forward, but not here. Here in the present, I am writing about feeling so insecure about my finances. There in the future, I am financially stable and do not have the money worries that current Elle has now. I want to be there so bad I can almost feel how it feels to wear that skin and be that person. I am so inpatient and scared that I will not get there.

I am hoping that I will friends. That we all get there.

Much love, Elle

Tag: life

High Lows

Shifts

Aching